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The Business Wizard Richie Marks and The Biz Wiz Experience - PlaguePJP
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Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5597 is contained in the secure item containment wing in Site-120 under the purview of The Thaumaturgy Department. POI-8045 currently lives with his mother in Lancaster, PA.
The Thaumaturgy Department is currently working to gain clearance to study the now unemployed POI-8045 at Site-120. Operation Lunchlady has been drafted as part of this potential study.1
Description: SCP-5597 is a leather-bound book entitled "Magic for Dummies: A Thaumaturge's Guide." In 500 pages, SCP-5597 presents a broad history of thaumaturgy, the basics for understanding and creating sigils, and instructions on conducting thaumaturgy. The entirety of the book is handwritten, including hand-drawn images and diagrams. Written in gold on the inside cover is text reading "Property of The Wanderer's Library."
POI-8045 is Richard "Richie" Marks, a 23-year-old male from King of Prussia, Pennsylvania. Prior to his acquisition of SCP-5597, POI-8045 was a junior sales assistant at the Nordstrom department store in the King of Prussia Mall complex. POI-8045 resigned in favor of learning thaumaturgy through SCP-5597 and employing it to conduct sales scams and motivational, entrepreneurial seminars under the nickname "The Business Wizard." While not fully confirmed, it is assumed that POI-8045's almost instantaneous success in these seminars and smaller financial activities were a product of these acquired abilities.
POI-8045 asserts that SCP-5597 was gifted to him by a higher being. It was later discovered that he stole it from a library donation bin. The process by which SCP-5597 appeared at the library is unknown, and an investigation is ongoing.
Addendum One — Discovery
On 1/5/2018, thaumic energy scanners captured an abundance of said energy centered on a Lancaster, Pennsylvania Public Library. An MTF unit was mobilized to the scene where they discovered a cardboard box filled with various books originating from the Wanderer's Library.
Following the confiscation, on 13/5/2018, a Way opened in the office of Site-120 Director Daniel Asheworth. Below is the recording of that interaction.
TRANSCRIPT
(A Way appears on the east wall.)
Dir. Asheworth: (Yelling and standing in a defensive posture.) Hey hey hey, stay back! Don't play around!
Entity within the Way: Chill out, Terminator. I just need a second to talk to you.
Dir. Asheworth: You've spoken. Leave now. This is your final goddamn warning. I know how you bastards operate.
Entity within the Way: Just listen to me, I'm not here to hurt you, I just fucked up and need some help.
Dir. Asheworth: …Stay in there and speak. Don’t move through.
Entity within the Way: Those books you picked up yesterday, you know about them?
Dir. Asheworth: Yeah. We’re running background on them as we speak.
Entity within the Way: Those were mine. I'm gonna be in a world of shit if I don't get those back. It’s life or death at this point.
Dir. Asheworth: You’re Hand?
Entity within the Way: No but they know who I am, that I had those books, and where I put them.
Dir. Asheworth: How would they know that?
Entity within the Way: Consider them tagged. I was told to keep them away from them for as long as possible. Can’t you just help me out?
Dir. Asheworth: I’m not a difficult guy to work work with, I just need something more than you claiming you’re not with the group who also really wants these books back.
Entity within the Way: I can give whatever you need, just — there were eleven books. Please just promise to help me here.
Dir. Asheworth: Eleven? You sure? We counted ten.
Entity within the Way: No no no there were eleven, I counted eleven. Three on thaumaturgy, four on history, and four on mythology.
Dir. Asheworth: I'm not lying to you, we have ten right here; I’m staring at security footage of my lab.
Entity within the Way: This is ridiculous!
Dir. Asheworth: You sure you counted the thaumaturgy books right? We counted two.
Entity within the Way: I know I counted right — can you check again?
Dir. Asheworth: I have no reason to mislead you. I know all there is to know about thaumaturgy and so do my staff. I’m telling you we have ten. If you want me to read the—
(Asheworth's telephone rings.)
Dir. Asheworth: One moment. Don’t move.
TRANSCRIPT
Dir. Asheworth: Hello?
Epsilon-2 | Casey: Hey, problem. Big one.
Dir. Asheworth: That makes two of us. Go ahead.
Epsilon-2 | Casey: We've been doing cleanup at that library — Rudimentary scans and all that. Out of nowhere we pick up heavy energy levels from the convention center. Can you link up with my cam real quick?
Dir. Asheworth: Yeah yeah, I'm online.
(Casey's body camera feed is shown on Dir. Asheworth's monitor. The agent is the back row of an auditorium. On stage is a hooded figure floating a few meters off the platform as dollar bills rain from above.)
Dir. Asheworth: What am I seeing?
Epsilon-2 | Casey: It's—
(Above the audience, sparks manifest spelling out "BIZ WIZ.”)
Dir. Asheworth: Oh fuck.
Addendum Two — The "Biz Wiz Experience"
TRANSCRIPT
(Casey pans around the packed auditorium. She’s standing near in a secluded nook near the back. All seats and filled and approximately one-hundred fifty people are standing in the aisles and between rows of seats.)
Epsilon-2 | Casey: Do we take him in?
Dir. Asheworth: No, I need to see what his deal is first. Where are Anson and Quentin?
Epsilon-2 | Casey: I pinged them here about five minutes ago they should be here soon.
Dir. Asheworth: They’re offline on my end. Can you call them?
Epsilon-2 | Casey: Nothing.
Dir. Asheworth: Damn it. I want this auditorium locked down until the thaumaturge and everyone else is secured.
Epsilon-2 | Casey: Yes sir. I'm doing a background check on a Richie Marks right now.
Entity within the Way: Can I come out yet?
Dir. Asheworth: Until you can give me a name you’re staying in there.
Entity within the Way: Anna Cervantes, former GOC. Look me up.
Dir. Asheworth: (Mumbling.) It just doesn’t stop. One day of peace for christ’s sake.
(A weathered Global Occult Coalition identification card passes through the portal. It corresponded to a former agent presumed missing in action three years prior.)
Epsilon-2 | Casey: I have something. Richard Marks, King of Prussia, PA, twenty-three years old, college dropout, and a former junior sales associate for Niemann Marcus. He has a YouTube channel too; 250,000 subscribers and he started last week.
Dir. Asheworth: Where’s the poster?
(Casey holds a promotional photo to her body camera.)
Dir. Asheworth: “Multi-millionare entrepreneur with ten years of experience at the ‘Jaultown-Fieldman Hedge Fund.’”
Epsilon-2 | Casey: Got nothing on that.
(The lights dim.)
(POI-8045 runs on stage to applause from the audience.)
POI-8045: What the fuck is up bitches?! I'm Richie Marks, the Business Wizard, and welcome to the Biz Wiz Experience! This is your one stop shop for all the advice, stories, and knowledge the other bullshitters won't give you!
(Fake 1,000,000 dollar bills pour from above. Each bill has Marks' face on them which winks at the observer.)
POI-8045: Full house today? (He laughs.) What else is new?
TRANSCRIPT
Epsilon-2 | Anson: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?
Dir. Asheworth: Anson? Yes I hear you — where are you?
Epsilon-2 | Anson: I'm with Quentin in the ventilation system.
Dir. Asheworth: What the hell? Why?
Epsilon-2 | Anson: Every door was locked from the inside and we weren't able to connect from out there. I assumed something went down and found an alternate way in. I still can't get to Casey; is everything alright?
Dir. Asheworth: Yeah I'm linked with her as we speak. What part of the building are you near?
Epsilon-2 | Anson: Dining hall. No one else is in here. We can climb out if that's what your going to.
Dir. Asheworth: Go ahead. Make it to the backstage area.
(The agents comply, jumping from the vent and into the empty cafeteria. Patrons and staff are both missing.)
Epsilon-2 | Anson: What’s the deal here?
Dir. Asheworth: We have a thaumically-enhanced human hosting an entrepreneurial seminar and I need as much recon as I can get.
(The agents walk through the dining hall. Food is scattered on the table. Anson hovers his hand over a bowl of soup.)
Epsilon-2 | Anson: Still hot.
TRANSCRIPT
POI-8045: —I see these other assholes saying they're grateful for their success. Grateful to who is my question? My success was forged by myself and myself alone. I'm grateful that I had the fuckin' balls to want, to think. These other "entrepreneurs" sell you shit. You're buying a fantasy, but here, with me: The Business fuckin' Wizard. Fantasy is a reality.
Dir. Asheworth: Anson and Quentin are in the building. They're unable to link with you but I have them on another line. Anything new here?
Epsilon-2 | Casey: He been on that rant for about five minutes before you rejoined.
(POI-8045 maneuvers his hands through the air in a repeated, circular pattern. Part of the stage crumbles, disintegrating into ash. From the hole, a skeletal hand reaches up, clawing onto the edge and hoisting itself up. Upon reaching the stage, the skeleton is revealed to be missing its lower half.)
POI-8045: Son of a bitch.
(He jogs off stage. A scream is heard from the backstage area, following by retching. Jogging, POI-8045 reemerges with a pair of full, disembodied legs cut off at the waist, a security guard's lanyard can be seen hanging out of the right pocket. He tosses the limbs over to the skeleton, who attaches to them and stands.)
POI-8045: Does anyone know this person's name? Raise your hand if you do.
(The audience does not move.)
POI-8045: Hell, I don't even know who this is. What's your name?
(The skeleton opens its jaw but does not move it when speaking.)
Skeletal Entity: I am No One.
POI-8045: No One. A joe shmoe. Nobody. Mr. One I have something right now. Something crazy! Wanna join me on it? There's so much we can do!
Skeletal Entity: I am dead and No One. I have lost (Its jaw falls to the ground.)my chance.
POI-8045: (Whispering.) Dude— (Turns to the audience.) No One here, he's admitting he's out of time. Imagine living your life to nothing. At that point, we're all just like No One here.
(POI-8045 paces around the stage for a moment, scanning the audience in the process.)
POI-8045: No One, listen to me. Why are you a nobody? Why doesn't anyone remember your name or what you did?
Skeletal Entity: (Reading from its hand.) I did not leave my comfort zone. I never got to live. I never got that attractive woman a drink at the bar or any children of my own to send to that really good catholic school in the rich neighborhood like the one you live in.
POI-8045: Your comfort—
Skeletal Entity: I never got to buy that boat I always wanted.
POI-8045: Your comfort—
Skeletal Entity: It was the one with the cool sails and the—
POI-8045: You didn't leave your comfort zone, and this is where you ended up. He had dreams, but he never strived for them. He had goals, but he never achieved them. He had wants, but he never got them.
Skeletal Entity: (Reading from its hand.) Oh but Mr. Biz Wiz, if I were alive how would I be able to live a successful and wonderful and… great as you?
POI-8045: Great question…
(POI-8045 grabs through the air. Upon clenching his fist, a purple, embroidered duffel bag appears in his grasp. In gold lettering, the words "BIZ KIT: A MAGIC MAN'S TOOL" are stitched on the front.)
POI-8045: …This right here is my secret. With this kit, you'll be able to conduct everything I've done on stage and in the financial sphere. For today and today only, thus entire kit will cost you 250 dollars total. Check under your seats for the order form and hand it in on your way out.
(Applause. POI-8045 slips the skeleton a dollar of unknown demonation. The skeleton detaches from the limbs and crawls its way back into the hole. POI-8045 tosses the legs off stage.)
Dir. Asheworth: Well, there you go.
Addendum Three — Mission Conclusion
TRANSCRIPT
(A security guard is seen passed out on Anson's bodycam footage. Quentin is dragging the body out of frame.)
Epsilon-2 | Anson: (Heavy breathing.)
Dir. Asheworth: You're just not gonna say anything right?
(Anson is startled.)
Epsilon-2 | Anson: Knock, damn it. We're in the back stage, got caught, and this big fella started attacking us so we took him out.
(Quentin is heard yelling off screen; Anson jogs to him.)
Epsilon-2 | Anson: What the fuck?
(The arms of the security guard have been torn off, revealing them to be filled with crumpled newspapers. Anson bisects the rest of the body, revealing an unconscious, seemingly animate skeleton similar in appearance to the one shown on stage previously.)
Dir. Asheworth: Secure that and get in the dressing room. Look out for "Biz Wiz" branding. Sending a photo of what that would look like now.
(The agent complies, picking the lock and entering. Quentin remains guarding the skeleton. Anson walks to a cubby, retrieving a purple backpack.)
Epsilon-2 | Anson: Not very discrete, huh.
(Anson rumages through POI-8045's belongings. Items of note are a wad of fake 1,000,000 dollar bills, a Louis Vuitton banded wallet, empty, and a leather bound book entitled "Seven Deadly Wins: Greed - A Thaumaturge's Guide.")
Dir. Asheworth: I'm so happy this guy's an idiot. You have no idea.
Epsilon-2 | Anson: Is this what we we're looking for?
Dir. Asheworth: Seems like it. Hey, Cervantes. We have a "Seven Deadly Wins" right here. Was that one?
Cervantes: Yes! Yes it is!
(Applause is heard through the wall.)
POI-8045: —Hired two full fucking skeletons. (Pause.) Yes got two skeletons. Listen to me, one of them was missing its lower half. (Pause.) Yeah, luckily I know how to improvise, but if you're gonna contract your guys out I deserve quality. (Pause.) I'm not saying — That's not at all ableist — I'm not discriminating against your employees! (Pause.) The other one did fine yes, no one got…
(POI-8045 enters the dressing room, cellphone against his ear.)
POI-8045: …In.