funny


rating: +2+x

by PlaguePJP

Item#: 7496
Level5
Containment Class:
keter
Secondary Class:
{$secondary-class}
Disruption Class:
{$disruption-class}
Risk Class:
{$risk-class}

dale.png

SCP-XXXX.


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is currently uncontained. While a reality warper, SCP-XXXX does not currently pose a threat to the veil. Containment procedures are to be focused on tracking and documenting SCP-XXXX's manifestations and behavior until it can be successfully, permanently contained

Description: SCP-XXXX is a 32-year-old human male with reality-warping abilities, including teleportation, manifestation of objects, manipulation of a person's memory, and omniscience.

SCP-XXXX uses the combination of its incredibly powerful abilities to work menial, low-paying jobs.

SCP-XXXX appears throughout the contiguous United States, usually in the Midwest. How SCP-XXXX chooses its locations is unknown; there does not appear to be a pattern. Identification on SCP-XXXX's person (name tags, driver's license, etc) only displays the name "Dale." The positions SCP-XXXX holds change rapidly based on no known factor, likely SCP-XXX simply decides to have a new job and does so.

Addendum XXXX.1: Discovery and Initial Interactions

During an unrelated investigation in Wisconsin, Foundation Agent Sarah Palmers encountered SCP-XXXX when attempting to pick up a check from a local Goodwill.

GOODWILL SURVEILLANCE VIDEO TRANSCRIPT


«BEGIN LOG»

(Palmers approaches SCP-XXXX in an aisle. She is holding a vase.)

Palmers: Excuse me?

SCP-XXXX: Hm.

Palmers: Is your manager here? I made a drop-off last week and needed to pick up my check.

SCP-XXXX: He's not here today.

Palmers: He said he would be here. Do you know when he'll be back?

SCP-XXXX: Not in my job description to know that.

Palmers: Alright. […] Can you tell him to give me a call when he gets back?

SCP-XXXX: I don't really like talking to him.

Palmers: You're not being very helpful.

SCP-XXXX: That's your opinion.

Palmers: Uh… okay. I was looking at this vase. There's no sticker on it, do you know the price?

SCP-XXXX: Take it.

Palmers: Huh?

SCP-XXXX: I wouldn't care if you burned this place to the ground with me in it. Take the vase.

Palmers: Okay. Are you sure?

SCP-XXXX: I do not care.

Palmers: Alright. Thanks?

(Palmers moves towards the exit.)

SCP-XXXX: (Shouting.) The manager's not gonna let you back in the store if you steal that.

(Palmers stops, then turns towards SCP-XXXX.)

Palmers: I'm not stealing anything.

SCP-XXXX: You didn't pay for that.

Palmers: You literally told me to take it.

SCP-XXXX: I'm not gonna stop you from stealing. I'm just letting you know the manager isn't gonna be happy. He'd probably ban you.

Palmers: Then let me buy the fucking thing!

SCP-XXXX: There's no need to use that language, ma'am.

(SCP-XXXX and Agent Palmers walk back to the cash register.)

SCP-XXXX: Is that all today?

Palmers: Jesus fu— yes. That's all.

(SCP-XXXX scans the vase 100 times. Palmers stares, clearly losing patience.)

SCP-XXXX: That'll be two thousand dollars.

Palmers: Are you out of your mind?

SCP-XXXX: No.

Palmers: Two thousand dollars?

SCP-XXXX: Yeah.

Palmers: That's not odd to you?

SCP-XXXX: I scanned it a hundred times.

Palmers: Why the fuck would you do that?

SCP-XXXX: You didn't stop me. I thought you wanted a hundred of them.

Palmers: I don't want a hundred vases. I want one.

SCP-XXXX: You should have said that.

Palmers: This is fucking absurd!

SCP-XXXX: Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store.

Palmers: No no no. Don't worry. I'm on my way out anyway.

«END LOG»


PARKING LOT SURVEILLANCE VIDEO TRANSCRIPT


«BEGIN LOG»

(Agent Palmers' car is being towed.)

Palmers: You've got to be fucking kidding me!

(Palmers jogs to the tow truck. SCP-XXXX is driving.)

Palmers: The hell? Are you towing my car because I didn't buy your vase?

SCP-XXXX: Ma'am, that wouldn't make any sense. You double parked in the handicap section.

Palmers: No— I… did I? I guess I did. Can you just help me out?

SCP-XXXX: There's going to be a fine.

Palmers: How much?

SCP-XXXX: Do you want a hundred cars or just the one?

Palmers: Oh my god. Just my car.

SCP-XXXX: Two thousand dollars.

Palmers: Are you serious?

SCP-XXXX: I'm just doing my job.

Palmers: (Mumbling) Fucking horseshit bullshit. Fuck this.

(Palmers retrieves 2,000 dollars in cash from her handbag and hands it to SCP-XXXX.)

SCP-XXXX: Would you like a bag?

Palmers: What? […] Sure?

SCP-XXXX: Okay.

(SCP-XXXX exits the tow truck and wraps the car in a car-sized plastic bag.)

SCP-XXXX: Have a nice day.

«END LOG»


PALMERS STATION SURVEILLANCE VIDEO TRANSCRIPT


«BEGIN LOG»

(Agent Palmers' arrives home. She walks into the kitchen and places the very large plastic bag under the sink. Palmers steps in a puddle, then looks up. Her upstairs shower caused a leak in the kitchen.)

Palmers: Motherfucker!

(Agent Palmers calls a plumber.)


[25 minutes of extraneous footage redacted.]


(A doorbell is rung. Agent Palmers approaches the door. SCP-XXXX is waiting on the other side.)

Palmers: There's no fucking way! Not you again!

SCP-XXXX: I was called about a leak.

Palmers: How many jobs do you have?

SCP-XXXX: I'm just trying to feed my family, ma'am.

Palmers: Do you know what you're doing?

SCP-XXXX: I'm a plumber.

Palmers: Are you accredited?

SCP-XXXX: I'm a plumber.

Palmers: Oh my god. Oh my god. […] Whatever.

(Agent Palmers guides SCP-XXXX to the location of the leak.)

Palmers: Here.

SCP-XXXX: Hm. Interesting.

Palmers: What is?

SCP-XXXX: You have a leak.

Palmers: I think I'm losing my mind.

(SCP-XXXX looks at the leaking ceiling.)

SCP-XXXX: Mhm. Alright. I see.

Palmers: What? What do you see?

SCP-XXXX: There's a leak here. I said that already.

(Agent Palmers cups her head in her hands.)

Palmers: Can— can you fix it?

SCP-XXXX: Yes. This is just a routine pipe replacement.

Palmers: Perfect. Thank you.

SCP-XXXX: Wait.

Palmers: What's wrong?

SCP-XXXX: One more thing.

Palmers: What?

SCP-XXXX: Do you want a hundred pipes or just the one?

«END LOG»

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